A few nights ago I was looking at old videos of some of our activities and celebrations together. Seeing Karen in them made me very sad. At times I really miss her. I struggle with being tempted to go into my previous state of crushing grief. I sometimes can’t believe this has happened. But then I think of the lessons I’ve been learning: the preciousness of my friends and family and the privilege of being fully present for them, the reality that God does not spare His children from life in this world (John 17:15), and the hope of the resurrection.

I guess it’s normal to go through these waves of recurring grief and wrestling with the problem of evil. These lyrics from Phil Keaggy’s “Chalice” have given me some light during this time:

The way to find our selves is in the fires of our sorrow
Do we look around, expect to see the wind?
Could we prevent the trials that we face with each tomorrow?
Can’t we see this is the world were living in?

When suffering restores us, burns away the empty shallowness
And softening the heart,
To be broken bread and poured out wine.
When it rains it pours, turns a life into a chalice;
There to nourish every soul one at a time.

And when I wonder if the pain could have been avoided by simply not forming such close relationships, brother Phil tells us this:

To love is to be broken, but to love nothing and no one,
We must close our own selves up, shut all the doors
And let no one in.
Locked within ourselves where it’s safe and dark and motionless
Where love will cease to be
And all the while the air is wearing thin…

Relationships are what life (and the Kingdom of God) is all about. To pursue a life of superficiality is to reject the mission of God and to resign ourselves to a life of breathing our own air.